Standing When It Clears

 So you know that point in which you reevaluate your life. That moment when you look back and consider whether any of it was worth it, or if there even was a point. Sometimes its because of a faded friendship, maybe you lost a job promotion, maybe you didn't graduate top of your class. whatever it is it makes you think and for some reason it continually haunts you. You think you are alright one minute and that you have moved on ready to turn over a new leaf. But then the next you are once again thinking back to might have beens and could have beens. How can you let go? Is it just a process that time can only heal? Or is there something, how can you officially leave the past in the past and let by gones be by gones. There are probably books at the local barnes and nobel describing 10-step self help methods to move on. But once your past the facade of the new you, doesnt the old you sneak up. Maybe the only actual help you can receive is through God and prayer. Once I have found an answer I will be sure to devote a blog entry to it.

Self Importance: be careful not to take yourself too seriously

So last week I was given the opportunity to speak in front of a semi-large crowd of people and I actually thought that I was prepared and ready to go. I took some time preparing the message, read the word of God, found some interesting antecdotes and set a particular flow to the topic that was given. Now I will be honest I pretty much though that when I spoke people would listen, maybe understand something for the first time when they were never able to before. I though it was conceivable that I was going to be used by God to do something great in the 15 minutes of time that I was alotted. Pride comes before every fall. I walked off the stage feeling like a complete idiot. Technically speaking the speech went alright. But thats just it, IT was a speech rather then a message. I think the problem with me was that I thought too much, I allowed myself to think that I was more then just the feet wetting opening act (excuse the roughness of the term). Maybe if I haden't given it so much thought I wouldnt have walked away feeling utterly dissapointed. I feel like part of me gives myself too much importance. Like I am someone so people should listen to what I have to say. When the reality is, what have I done to gain such a notorius title? Even when starting this blog, part of me felt like this was going to prepare me to be the next journalist in the new york times. Now I am not saying don't have dreams or dont try to accomplish anything. Rather do it because you like to do it, because you are good at it and because you can gain something. Dont go into it thinking you are already something and people should listen to you, that usually never results in anything good. If you go into it thinking that you are going into it simply as a learning experience for yourself you will never walk away dissapointed. There is never a day when you cant learn something new. Thats all for today, see you next failure :)

De Ja Vu

So today I took the bus after a long time. The last time I consistently took the bus was freshman year. It was a strange sensation, having to wait there. While I was waiting two freshman walked up and were talking loudly to each other. How do I know they are freshman, you ask? Well it was apparent in their manner and the content of the conversation. Finally they looked at me and asked if I was a freshman. I smiled slowly and responded that I was a senior. They asked a few questions about classes and majors, the normal fake chatter that comes with waiting at a bus stand in the rain . It made me think back to my days as a freshman. I wonder if I was like them, excited and willing to take on the world. Trying hard to find more of my own kind. No doubt to become Facebook friends and create study groups. Even when writing this a small knowing smile creeps on my face. I now return to the new yorker which lies waiting at the edge of the table at the library.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

The semester has started and I have begun the mundane routine of things from classes to studying to hanging out at the apartment. Things are definitely reverting back to freshman year. When there was no idea, no perception of how the world was, just each day at a time. I feel just as lost as when I first started but there is also a sense of freedom, no set agenda no pre-conceived notions, just me. I have to say many things remind me of last year and how things used to be. I cant help but think that there world is the same just through another person eyes. Like instead of the three little pigs, its the wolf's story. This is probably because I see the same faces at the same events but things are not the same, I am not the same. Moving on is one of the hardest things to do. Its hard to see the same faces and not remind  yourself of the pain brought on by the separation.

No matter how much you grow there will be a time when you revert back. I feel like I have grown up so much since freshman year, I have gained so much insight but here I am still a child, captured by my own imagination. I feel like I am going at a pace that is one step forward two steps back. Which technically means no progression. Now this isn't the way things always have to be but for now this is the rhythm of the dance. I just pray that I am not hardened so much from the small heartbreaks and am still able to believe.

On other note: It took me three weeks into the semester to realize that my toxicology class starts at 5:30 rather then 6:00.