Absolute Foolishness

Sometimes I sit back and wonder if everything in my life is just foolishness. If everyone else in my life (including my friends and family) secretly laugh at the ridiculousness.

I have taken a great deal of pride in how different I am. It doesn’t bother me that I am not a typical malayalee girl and that often times the things that bring me joy can be construed as nonsense or whimsical or flighty. However, there are days that make me question my very existence. Yesterday and today were some of those days. I had to take a step away from everything to evaluate and really think deep.

I am a shopaholic. I am sure after reading this blog, you were able to pick up on this tiny little detail. For me shopping is therapeutic. It is one of the few areas of my life that I don’t try to control to a T. I let loose and get a sense of joy from finding the perfect skirt, or a great pair of shoes, or a new purse. Sometimes after a stressful week of pushing myself to the limits, a small (or rather large purchase) makes it a little bit easier to keep pushing. I realize that these are probably the exact words other addicts (including alcoholics and drug abusers) use to justify there cravings.

Last semester, my first semester back after 6 months off, was particularly hard and I used shopping as a crutch more then I have ever before. I was always hard on myself and of course I had friends who would rag on me for it, but I let it go; because I knew that the semester was hard for me and I took it with stride. When the spring semester started it was/is one of my goals to improve my “self destructive” shopping patterns.

I am going to be fair to myself and any other person who is trying to slowly improve a bad habit, you are not going to be able to drop from 60 to 0 in one go. The same thing we are taught to tell patients- I can’t ask a couch potato to start exercising 30 minutes a day for 5 days a week. That would be setting them up for failure. Instead you start small. “It would be nice if you could start to park a little farther when you go to the grocery store, or walk one or two blocks around the neighborhood.” Small but steady changes. I have been keeping track of my spending over the past few months and really trying not to give-in to impulse purchases. Have I shopped? OF COURSE! Have I been about it than I before? …yes. Could I stand to improve? …YES.

One of the things that I happened to crazy purchase last semester was the calligraphy skirt from anthropology…which was 120$. A couple of my close friends knew the price of the skirt and had been haggling me for the entire semester. Now I know, the skirt was expensive, it was an impulse buy and it was during that period where I just needed it (not justifying). So I have tried to justify my purchases by admitting that I use them. I am not one of those people who buys things and stores them in her closet never to be seen or heard of again. I wear them often and differently. This purchase has reached a cost per wear of about 20$ as of yesterday.

I am not saying it was okay for me to purchase the skirt. BUT I ALREADY DID. I admitted I shouldn’t have. WHAT MORE CAN I DO? And why bring it up during the semester that I am attempting to do better? It was this plus certain comments which made me realize that maybe everyone secretly thinks that I am going to be a penniless pauper with no realistic sense of money….which led to a melt down….which is embarrassing because it happened in front of others…

It isn’t just the spending, I am loud (and obnoxiously so), I blog and Vlog (who does that; sorry @imarily), I play sports (even when I am not great), I do hard things and am okay with falling flat on my face, I have no earthly idea how to cook (believe me….), I am that girl that everyone relies on to do the obnoxious thing because all the graceful quiet ones won’t do it.  I am passionate, love too deeply, over involved, and a one woman circus act. And all this time I was okay with it. In fact I took pride in it.

Today I wonder - if all of this is just absolute foolishness. If being this girl is holding me back. If people even take me seriously? Or if those who I only thought were laughing with me…were actually laughing at me.

Don’t worry readers, I’ll be back on my own two feet tomorrow ready to be foolish again, I just need to think today =)

Thanks for the ears

Regina

Motto =)

Okay saw this on pinterest  (which if you have not checked out yet..you should!) =)

Wait…You want to meet Jesus…Sure….Just pay 10$

Over the past few weeks I have been quite the conference junkie (attending two conferences back to back…oh THE HUMANITY). This is an anomaly simply because I normally gravitate towards being a hermit crab- who lacks socialization. I decided to step out and venture. First PCNAK (which I already ate a few of my words about) and then came NACOG- simply because of my love/hate relationship with EDCOG =)

I walk in for Friday evening’s meeting knowing that I would not be staying the whole time- my great uncle was in the hospital and we were going to visit him. So I decide to take only the essentials into the meeting with me- BIBLE and Scarf. I left the big CLUNKY purse that weighed half of me, behind. I find the youth section of the meeting which is separated from the adult section, my parents then leave me to attend the adult section and I am waiting in line to get in the youth room. As  I reach the door, here stands a bouncer? (little kid given too much authority- went to his head) and asks me for my badge. I look around confused…badge? What badge? This isn’t PCNAK that was last week??? He then promptly points to registration….I humbly walk over and give my name and explain that I have no cash on me- registration guy as…”what about checks”….I feel like there is no need to answer that…who uses checks these days anyways!

Unfortunately my parents somehow managed to get into the adult service without paying, and I am trying to call them to come out and pay for ME, so I CAN HEAR THE MESSAGE! But they don’t pick up. I am now awkwardly wandering the lobby (AWKARD). I also had the unfortunate pleasure of meeting an old acquaintance, whom I couldn’t explain my current predicament….and so I was in a pickle.

I called my parents like 10 times, then thought the best option might be to hide in the bathroom….I mean its not like we were going to be there for more then an hour…but after seeing people entering, I mean there is only so many times you can say hi to someone in the awkward settings of the bathroom. So I decide to venture out one more time. This time I walk towards the lobby, running out of places to hide.

Thank God, I run into a friend from EDCOG, who agrees to lend me his badge if I would just go get it, I then call an old friend and long time blog reader and subsequently steal his badge (he wasn’t planning on attending the meeting anyway- and he is apparently the face of the conference so no one would ask him for a badge).

So I return the youth meeting, but THIS TIME the guy at the front decides to leave his post, WHAT AN EPIC FAIL. I go in, sit for ten minutes, before its time for me to go to the hospital.

Despite the utter fail of the adventure, I must say that I was eternally grateful to my friend for saving me, in my moment of distress.

Lesson Learned:  These days nothing is free, even the gospel.

Slow & Steady Wins The Race

Slow and Steady Wins the Race:

In order to make my food taste better, I would entice my parents to tell me a story with every meal that I ate. If it was a particularly disgusting meal, for example: raw egg-warmed up, the story better be EXTRA good. Come on, you have to admit that a story is the best secret ingredient there is to be had.

It was one morning during a bowl of cereal before school; my dad was up to bat to tell the story. It was an unlikely story of a tortoise and a hair (told in Malayalam-because I was a fob, and didn’t much English- AND YES I WAS BORN IN THE USA), there were a few adaptations that had to be made, like the race started at my house and ended at my aunt’s house which may have been a few miles away. I listened intently as the tortoise (also known as an “AMA” in my language), persevered against all odds to beat the rabbit, which was naturally fast. I thought my dad invented this story for a long time. Can you believe my surprise, when in the second grade there was a TV adaption to my dad’s story?

I thought about this story as I was thinking about the weird turns my life has taken. If you know me, you know that I am always trying to speed through everything, I usually don’t slow down (except when it comes to chores, i.e.: cleaning my room). I sped through undergrad, and was trying to find a way to speed through grad school as well. Look how that turned out (insert face which emoticons don’t have). As I have had several months to marinate over my current life status, I realized I am the rabbit.

Yes, I realize that the rabbit is not the winner in the story and that he/she can be described as foolish. Without even knowing it I became a rabbit in my ambitions to achieve everything in a timely fashion. I wanted to rush through the hard parts and relax when I was far enough ahead. Unfortunately, life does not work like that. You can’t win if you aren’t constantly working, even if at a slower pace. The turtle had several odds against it’s victory, yet it strived to complete the journey at the only pace it knew how.

More importantly, we spend too much time focusing on pace, especially in our culture. There is an unwritten timeline as to when things should be accomplished and at what point you should be at a certain age in your life. The real goal is to complete everything and not how fast it took you to complete it.

Take a step back and re-evaluate your approach to life, are you meeting deadlines and completing checklist without really even thinking about what you are doing? These days I find myself taking deep breaths and reminding myself “slow and steady wins the race.” It doesn’t matter the pace I go as long as I make it to the finish line.

GOALS

Okay so I have a new list of Goals for the remaining few months off and I would like to officially write them on this blog as to hold me accountable


HERE THEY ARE:

1. I would like to read the entire bible (currently Im still on Genesis Chapter 1....so I need to get a move on it)
2. I am going to try and get up at 4 every morning to pray (so far this week I have set the alarm three days, woke up one day and prayed for less then 5 minutes half sleepily and then went back to sleep....and yesterday I left my phone at my grandparents...so no phone no alarm, means no prayer). I have heard several people suggest that this is a good spiritual habit. I am not expert, but I want to try and start this discipline. I will let you know how it goes. KEEP ME ACCOUNTABLE.
3. I need to start preparing for next semester. Which means hitting those books which have no doubt collected large amounts of dust over the past few months.
4. BALANCE- I need to balance all parts of my world and myself.

Resonating Thoughts

Sometimes it's hard. Sometimes it feels as though you want to go to a brand new place where no one knows you or your name or anything about you, and start fresh, like a blank sheet of paper. The thing is, that might sound very tempting and it might make everything VERY EASY. But years down the road, you want to be known as that person who stuck it through, and came out even more vibrant. If you leave, that's all people will remember (you'll be an unfinished painting), but if you stay people will quickly forget your current trouble and see your transformation. So even it when it hurts, even when you embarrass yourself, even when you wish you could take it all back, you'll swallow and keep moving and somehow eventually that ugly brown mark will be a unique touch on a very beautiful finished painting.  

Mom Knows Best

Don't ever bet against your mom.......

So yesterday my mom had a day off from work, I always tell her to relax, stare at the wall, contemplate existential crisis' for once. Nope, when mom has a day off, that means the whole house is going to get cleaned and something is going to be cooked....this sounds great....EXCEPT she always wants to include you in the process so that you don't feel left out. WHY DO YOU WANT TO CLEAN A PANTRY, if its just going to get messed up within a day? Sometimes I don't think I will ever understand.

SO back to yesterday, my mom wanted to put one sack of basmati rice into one of those nice plastic clear containers that you are supposed to keep cereal in. She left the remainder of the rice and the filled plastic container on the table, so being the good daughter that I am I decided to put it away in the pantry, WITHOUT her even having to tell me. EXCEPT she comes back and ask where the rice and container are, I proudly tell her I already put it up. She then calmly explains that she wasn't finished......

Regina: "umm mom there is no way that anything else is going to fit in that plastic container, so I neatly placed the remainder of the rice in the original sack it came in RIGHT next to it"...

Mom: shakes head "Bring it here"

Regina: Grumbles "okay whatever"

Mom: Smiles like she knows something I don't know ...then proceeds to fill the rice in the container

Regina: makes YEAH RIGHT face...

Mom: Continues to pour emphatically- smiling to herself

Regina: thinking "oh crap she is actually going to do it..."- but keeps a very cool and straight face

Mom: finishes and looks triumphant

Regina: grasping at straws "oh..but...its not going to close..."

Mom: Shuts cap tightly

Regina: Defeated.

Mom: Gloating.



The Moral of this story, children, is that you should never bet against your parents. They never told you this but they go to secret school for moms and dads and learn things such how to put impossibly large looking items into ITTY BITTY containers. They will deny the schooling if you ask them- they had to sign some sort of plausible deniability contract.


Until Next Time

HAPPY THINKING

From The Words of a Tiger Mom, To the Thoughts of a Dragon Sister

This Post is Dedicated To: Roshan and Rony (the twins), Lisa (my honorary sister), Crystal, Priscilla, and not least of all Lance

"Dragons symbolize such character traits as dominance and ambition. Dragons prefer to live by their own rules and if left on their own, are usually successful. They’re driven, unafraid of challenges, and willing to take risks. They’re passionate in all they do and they do things in grand fashion"

http://www.chinesezodiac.com/dragon.php

While sitting at the Doctor’s office waiting impatiently for my mom’s appointment to be finished (or at least get started) I rummaged through several magazines (Thank You office manager who replenishes and supplies these racks- You have no idea of the impact you are making).

I noted that 3 (if not more) of the major magazines had articles on Amy Chua and her new book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom in their January editions. Some of the articles expressed concern and disapproval of this Asian mother’s approach to parenting and her disdain for western parenting styles, while others praised her and viewed Asian Parents as Superior.

I came home and watched clips of interviews with Amy Chua, read excerpted articles and finally read the book. For some Unknown reason this book/story struck a chord with me.

Some of Chua’s methods are extreme, I agree but I think her reasoning and purpose are sound.  Some Children do not really know what they are capable of accomplishing and if not pushed and prodded, they will remain mediocre when in reality they are excellent. Growing up, if left to my own devices, I am not entirely sure I would have been driven to accomplish or understand what my strengths were. I hated reading, I hated Writing and the thought of SPEAKING in public would have lead to me passing out. Since all three of these were strenuous activities that required discipline I would have chosen to opt out using the excuse that I was simply unable or less then apt. My mother, thankfully knew better.

While most kids got to do fun things, my mom made me write essays  on topics that she would give me (for example birds). We had a set of encyclopedias which I could use as reference. It had to be completed before she came home and before I could go to McDonald’s play pen  (I guess that was the ish back then) to hang out. I absolutely hated it but I complied, today I write blogs for fun, I consider writing one of my fortes.

Even better was her pushing me to speak on stage for a competition. I was mortified. I was scared to death- I couldn’t do it. I begged, I pleaded, I refused, but she did not let up. She promised me that if I did it just this once that she would never make me do it again. So I did, I failed miserably, my hands were shaking, I read the entire speech in less then 2 minutes (total time limit 5 minutes) and I made a fool of myself. Rather than allowing me to wallow in self pity and letting me go as she had promised, (that tricky woman), she forced me to sign up for every competition after that until I perfected it (she took out all the papers in my bible, so I wouldn’t have anything to read off and could maintain eye contact). Today, although, I don’t like to give her much credit, I am able to stand up and express my thoughts in front of others without crying (I still get butterflies) but I can do it.

Even in choosing my career path, she stood by and wouldn’t let me just veer off path. She wanted me to be a pharmacist, I wanted to be a Literature Major, who went into Law. And although I have bitter feuds with her regarding this, I am happy that she made me do something that was beyond my comfort zone, I truly believe that I am capable of becoming a pharmacist and offering something to the field of pharmacy that others can’t.

The thing is she saw talents and capabilities in me that I did not even know existed. She used unconventional methods (she used to tell me that I would clean other competitors bathrooms when I didn’t succeed- (this probably explains my fear of bathroom cleaning)) that maybe others would look down upon but she did it because secretly she was my biggest fan who knew that I could become better then even I imagined.

Somewhere between hating my mother’s techniques and secretly admiring them, I became worse then her. I am not sure how many of you who read this are an older sibling, but maybe if you are, you will understand me a little bit better.

Over the past few years I have received more flack than Amy Chua when it comes to my methods in “raising”/helping/disciplining my younger siblings. I have two younger brothers who are twins, and 4 younger cousins (I am the oldest grandchild). I feel personally responsible for each and every one of them and love them with all of my heart.

Many times people misunderstand my motives and assume that the control freak in me simply enjoys disciplining. Although, I am a control freak, I can’t say I particularly enjoy punishment or disciplining or even being overly involved. I simply know that because I was pushed hard, I achieved much and I don’t want my younger siblings to miss out because no one pushes them.

I don’t think there is another person in this world who feels as much pride as I do when they are victorious (even in the smallest things), or anyone else that mourns when they fail (not even them).

One of my brothers likes to take the easy road, he hates putting effort or trying something that is difficult, BUT, he is extremely bright. We get into huge fights regarding this.One example that comes to my mind is when he was entered for a speech competition in 2009, he didn’t care to put the effort and failed miserably. I could tell he felt bad. I was unable to be there fore him because of school, and whats even worse, my mom wasn’t there (my mom, who has never missed any of my speeches in her life was not there for my baby brother). I called her up and I chewed her out (she ended up crying).  The very next year he was forced to sign up again, he WHINED, CRIED, ANNOYED ME, like crazy but I wouldn’t let up. I forced him, stood behind him, and made sure my parents were there to witness his victory.

People always harp on me for my strict manner of dealing with my brothers and my cousins. What they don’t realize is that deep down it comes from a heart that wants each and every one of them to succeed to achieve better then they thought possible. I love seeing Lisa standout with her amazingness (she reminds me of myself so much), Priscilla with her stubborness but willingness to beat the odds, Lance with his kind heart, Crystal with her heart of Gold yet silliness, and RONY with his sarcastic sentiments and need to defend all.

There is a threshold to which this technique won’t work any longer and Chua gets to that understanding towards the end of her book when one of her daughters simply won’t comply. I think the key is knowing who you are dealing with, what works for one won’t necessarily work for the other. At some point and time I expect Roshan, Rony, Lisa, Priscilla and Lance (crystal is already there), to make their own decision and understand the consequences, but until then I want to make sure that they are given every opportunity and helping hand they need from an older sister whose been through quite a bit and seen quite a lot.

Resources:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/20/books/20book.html

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/01/07/AR2011010702516.html

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2043313,00.html

The Problem Solver

I love to problem-solve. If there was a job titled “problem-solver” I would definitely turn in a resume and give the company a good run for its money. I may not necessarily be the best at one thing, but I am able to put together the resources that I have to solve a particular problem. I am by some genetic factor beyond my control, inclined to come up with ideas or mechanisms to figure out, or solve, or come to a compromise. (okay, okay you get the point- now you are wondering why I am on this problem-solver rant)

Over the past few days/week, I have come across a school related problem, I have done my best and now I have left the rest up to God. I have prayed and prayed and prayed, to the point where I feel tired of praying. I feel like God has promised me that he will pull me through and make a way, I am actually most certain of this. The thing is, in order to make this situation better there are a myriad of ways to resolve the issue.

I have found myself telling God which way I think would be best…my conversation with him would go something like this “Hey God, how about …plan A…it has least amount of setbacks and most benefit…so overall the best benefit to risk ratio (in pharmacist terms). Plan A does not happen. Obvious disappointment ensues.

A day or so of mourning occurs and being the ever optimist that I am, I have developed plan B. “Dear God, guess what, alright so plan A didn’t work, well I have another idea about this new and improved plan B…maybe a few more setbacks then plan A, but hey maybe its part of my “learning process”…what do you say? Lets back plan B?”  Of course plan B does not pan out and I am left shattered, disappointed, stressed, and hopeless.

Until I start getting to thinking and I come up with Plan C.....except this time, as I start getting hope, plan C is bound to fail. Yet another obstacle has come in my way making the situation even more difficult to resolve. So now I am not sure what to do, and I am trying to force myself to somehow make plan C work. And somewhere deep down I am thinking “Umm hello God, I gave you options A, B, and C, now really when are you going to help?”

I can’t help but think of Abraham walking Isaac up the mountain ready to sacrifice him, I am sure that up until that knife was in his hand he might have been thinking “now would be an excellent time to rescue me.” Except the thing is the rescue did come, but only when God wanted it, just at his perfect time. You see in life, if God wants something done, he doesn’t need my help in figuring out  the best way to solve it. God doesn’t need my ideas or plans or projected problems solving presented in neat folders titled prayer. God knows what is best and he will make it happen in the right time.

Ps the post was meant for the beginning of December, I started writing it around December 13. A lot has happened since and I will be informing you via the blog. Until then…

Happy Thinking

Regina

Inspiration

James 4:7-10

Translation: The Message

^7-10So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet.

I saw this on someone's facebook status and it really struck me. I love how Eugene Peterson words this passage.

I hope that ya'll were able to take something away from this.

=)