Absolute Foolishness

Sometimes I sit back and wonder if everything in my life is just foolishness. If everyone else in my life (including my friends and family) secretly laugh at the ridiculousness.

I have taken a great deal of pride in how different I am. It doesn’t bother me that I am not a typical malayalee girl and that often times the things that bring me joy can be construed as nonsense or whimsical or flighty. However, there are days that make me question my very existence. Yesterday and today were some of those days. I had to take a step away from everything to evaluate and really think deep.

I am a shopaholic. I am sure after reading this blog, you were able to pick up on this tiny little detail. For me shopping is therapeutic. It is one of the few areas of my life that I don’t try to control to a T. I let loose and get a sense of joy from finding the perfect skirt, or a great pair of shoes, or a new purse. Sometimes after a stressful week of pushing myself to the limits, a small (or rather large purchase) makes it a little bit easier to keep pushing. I realize that these are probably the exact words other addicts (including alcoholics and drug abusers) use to justify there cravings.

Last semester, my first semester back after 6 months off, was particularly hard and I used shopping as a crutch more then I have ever before. I was always hard on myself and of course I had friends who would rag on me for it, but I let it go; because I knew that the semester was hard for me and I took it with stride. When the spring semester started it was/is one of my goals to improve my “self destructive” shopping patterns.

I am going to be fair to myself and any other person who is trying to slowly improve a bad habit, you are not going to be able to drop from 60 to 0 in one go. The same thing we are taught to tell patients- I can’t ask a couch potato to start exercising 30 minutes a day for 5 days a week. That would be setting them up for failure. Instead you start small. “It would be nice if you could start to park a little farther when you go to the grocery store, or walk one or two blocks around the neighborhood.” Small but steady changes. I have been keeping track of my spending over the past few months and really trying not to give-in to impulse purchases. Have I shopped? OF COURSE! Have I been about it than I before? …yes. Could I stand to improve? …YES.

One of the things that I happened to crazy purchase last semester was the calligraphy skirt from anthropology…which was 120$. A couple of my close friends knew the price of the skirt and had been haggling me for the entire semester. Now I know, the skirt was expensive, it was an impulse buy and it was during that period where I just needed it (not justifying). So I have tried to justify my purchases by admitting that I use them. I am not one of those people who buys things and stores them in her closet never to be seen or heard of again. I wear them often and differently. This purchase has reached a cost per wear of about 20$ as of yesterday.

I am not saying it was okay for me to purchase the skirt. BUT I ALREADY DID. I admitted I shouldn’t have. WHAT MORE CAN I DO? And why bring it up during the semester that I am attempting to do better? It was this plus certain comments which made me realize that maybe everyone secretly thinks that I am going to be a penniless pauper with no realistic sense of money….which led to a melt down….which is embarrassing because it happened in front of others…

It isn’t just the spending, I am loud (and obnoxiously so), I blog and Vlog (who does that; sorry @imarily), I play sports (even when I am not great), I do hard things and am okay with falling flat on my face, I have no earthly idea how to cook (believe me….), I am that girl that everyone relies on to do the obnoxious thing because all the graceful quiet ones won’t do it.  I am passionate, love too deeply, over involved, and a one woman circus act. And all this time I was okay with it. In fact I took pride in it.

Today I wonder - if all of this is just absolute foolishness. If being this girl is holding me back. If people even take me seriously? Or if those who I only thought were laughing with me…were actually laughing at me.

Don’t worry readers, I’ll be back on my own two feet tomorrow ready to be foolish again, I just need to think today =)

Thanks for the ears

Regina

Where'd All the Good People Go?

When I was younger there were times when I really wanted the power rangers to lose, or Yugio to not win a duel for once. Although, I like many of you am a big supporter of Poetic Justice (The good guy wins and justice is restored), I have come to realize that its not all black and white there are some major shades of grey. See the concept of poetic justice is just nice, you always want the good guy to win and evil to be defeated and get what's coming to them. Unfortunately in the real world it is difficult to distinguish between the good guy and the bad guy. How can you deem what is good and bad? From my point of view, I am always the good guy, but what about from the other guys point of view. Ever felt like wolf? or how about the step sister or stepmother? I mean all our lives we have decided that the evil stepmother was the bad guy or the wolf was just evil but what if we saw it from their eyes. History is more of the same, It is simply the story of the winner. We are so sure that the south was the bad guy in the civil war because the north won but what was the real story down south? Lets not forget how britain must have felt during the revolution, yet the we were most def. the good guy because we won and thats what history taught us, right? The thing is life doesn't quite work like this, every person in their own right claims that they are the good guy, no one wakes up and thinks I am the bad guy. So if everyone's good who is bad? And who deserves the punishment that comes from poetic justice or my favorite quote "why do bad things happen to good people". Who deemed these people good? Themselves?? So basically this quote is saying that bad things should happen to bad people but then who are the bad people. The point is man is in no way good. We are inherently all bad, we are not better then the next guy, we are selfish, seeking out only for ourselves and our good. It is only by the grace of God that we are able to develop the fruit of the spirit which makes us better but still not GOOD. Good is a term that I would