Absolute Foolishness

Sometimes I sit back and wonder if everything in my life is just foolishness. If everyone else in my life (including my friends and family) secretly laugh at the ridiculousness.

I have taken a great deal of pride in how different I am. It doesn’t bother me that I am not a typical malayalee girl and that often times the things that bring me joy can be construed as nonsense or whimsical or flighty. However, there are days that make me question my very existence. Yesterday and today were some of those days. I had to take a step away from everything to evaluate and really think deep.

I am a shopaholic. I am sure after reading this blog, you were able to pick up on this tiny little detail. For me shopping is therapeutic. It is one of the few areas of my life that I don’t try to control to a T. I let loose and get a sense of joy from finding the perfect skirt, or a great pair of shoes, or a new purse. Sometimes after a stressful week of pushing myself to the limits, a small (or rather large purchase) makes it a little bit easier to keep pushing. I realize that these are probably the exact words other addicts (including alcoholics and drug abusers) use to justify there cravings.

Last semester, my first semester back after 6 months off, was particularly hard and I used shopping as a crutch more then I have ever before. I was always hard on myself and of course I had friends who would rag on me for it, but I let it go; because I knew that the semester was hard for me and I took it with stride. When the spring semester started it was/is one of my goals to improve my “self destructive” shopping patterns.

I am going to be fair to myself and any other person who is trying to slowly improve a bad habit, you are not going to be able to drop from 60 to 0 in one go. The same thing we are taught to tell patients- I can’t ask a couch potato to start exercising 30 minutes a day for 5 days a week. That would be setting them up for failure. Instead you start small. “It would be nice if you could start to park a little farther when you go to the grocery store, or walk one or two blocks around the neighborhood.” Small but steady changes. I have been keeping track of my spending over the past few months and really trying not to give-in to impulse purchases. Have I shopped? OF COURSE! Have I been about it than I before? …yes. Could I stand to improve? …YES.

One of the things that I happened to crazy purchase last semester was the calligraphy skirt from anthropology…which was 120$. A couple of my close friends knew the price of the skirt and had been haggling me for the entire semester. Now I know, the skirt was expensive, it was an impulse buy and it was during that period where I just needed it (not justifying). So I have tried to justify my purchases by admitting that I use them. I am not one of those people who buys things and stores them in her closet never to be seen or heard of again. I wear them often and differently. This purchase has reached a cost per wear of about 20$ as of yesterday.

I am not saying it was okay for me to purchase the skirt. BUT I ALREADY DID. I admitted I shouldn’t have. WHAT MORE CAN I DO? And why bring it up during the semester that I am attempting to do better? It was this plus certain comments which made me realize that maybe everyone secretly thinks that I am going to be a penniless pauper with no realistic sense of money….which led to a melt down….which is embarrassing because it happened in front of others…

It isn’t just the spending, I am loud (and obnoxiously so), I blog and Vlog (who does that; sorry @imarily), I play sports (even when I am not great), I do hard things and am okay with falling flat on my face, I have no earthly idea how to cook (believe me….), I am that girl that everyone relies on to do the obnoxious thing because all the graceful quiet ones won’t do it.  I am passionate, love too deeply, over involved, and a one woman circus act. And all this time I was okay with it. In fact I took pride in it.

Today I wonder - if all of this is just absolute foolishness. If being this girl is holding me back. If people even take me seriously? Or if those who I only thought were laughing with me…were actually laughing at me.

Don’t worry readers, I’ll be back on my own two feet tomorrow ready to be foolish again, I just need to think today =)

Thanks for the ears

Regina

Money Matters

Alright so ....most of you who read this probably know that I grossly overspend in ways that I probably should keep account of. I have become horrible with money and my parents/friends have gotten on to me  about this several times. So its time to take drastic measures....I must budget. I was given 100$ in my account I am supposed to cover groceries with this money and food and (side spending). I was really proud of how well i was going to be with this money. Let me tell, you money just disappears its like a magic trick (I think its one of the best ones out there...still haven't figured out the secret). On friday I went grocery shopping and spent 35$ ( I thought that it would be enough for the next whole week). On saturday I went to a local barnes and noble to study for biostats and of course I am going to buy a cup of coffee ( WHO DOESN'T?) and on a break I might have toured the target ( I WAS REAALLY REALLY REALLY GOOD...but i gave in and bought a shirt...it was however only 6$- in my defense its one of the colors of this season). The point is I realized that I had only 46$ left in my account and I was in trouble...so I sought help. I asked one of my friends to help me keep on track and teach me to budget. On a side note: this was probably something I should have been taught at a young age (that was a fail). His response was that I should use the remainder of the money for the next two weeks and split it in half---one half would be for spending and the other half would be for shopping. Every dollar I spend from this week will be taken out from the shopping half. It was a plan. I did no spending on sunday. Today I did no spending ...and then my room-mate needed to go to wal-mart. The truth is I did forget to buy salad and salad is an essential and I thought I needed soda too. I get there with the intent of buying two packets of salad and a soda and leave spending 18$ (=( ) that leaves me 6$ to technically keep within my budget for the rest of the week. Do you think I can do it? Any tips?