Thursday, August 21, 2008

So in the bible christ tells you that if you have "faith as a mustard seed" you will be able to move mountains. Have you ever seen a mustard seed? It is so small that if you tried to put it between your fingers you would be unable to do so without your fingers touching. I always wondered if that was all the faith you needed, then how come none of us could move mountains? Did we honestly not have faith enough to keep our fingertips from touching? It took me awhile and a good explanation for me to understand why Christ used the mustard seed as an example. When Jesus spoke about the mustard seed he was not referring to its size, rather its capacity. Being an Indian I (or at least my family) use the mustard seed for everyday cooking uses. Many a times I have seen my grandmother put the mustard seed in hot oil and I have had to step  back because the oil would pop due to the mustard seed. The reason for this is that the mustard seed is so compact there is no room for air so when it hits the oil it pops. Even an Athiest has faith the size of a mustard seed, but it takes a fervent christian to have faith enough for there to be no room for doubt. That is my prayer. I feel in the past couple of days/months I have been lacking in the faith department. I hear God's promises but feel as if they are not for me, or maybe I am exceptiong. I find myself to be a doubting Thomas. Is that really what God said? Was God speaking to me? So I ask for faith in my prayer. For something that will afirm my faith and keeping so compact with faith that there is no room for any doubt. May these words be of use to you. Thank you

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

So recent news has reported that the author of the song "healer" by planetshakers faked his terminal illness. Now I know this is a shock to almost everyone. The song was a hit and touched many lives and many who actually do have terminal illnesses. So the thought came to mind what should we do with this song? First idea was to trash the song since it obviously was written by fake who was seeking attention or to get his song on the charts. As a member of a praise and worship team I know the importance of worship and the meaning behind songs. So my first thought was to ban the song in an act of anger. After thinking about the issue I begin to think how great God is. He is a God who can turn a curse into a blessing. I also thought about the meaning of the song " I believe your my healer, I believe you are all I need, I believe youre my portion, I believe youre more then enough for me, Jesus youre all I need". Does the fact that the person who wrote the song is a fraud change the meaning? Is God not our healer simply because this man didn't have a terminal illness? He reads the scripture verse "by his stripes we are healed" Do we stop reading that verse as well. The truth is there are many frauds who represent the bible and what it stands for but that doesn't make the scripture or whats written any less valid. The meaning of the song stands true regardless of its origin. Whether this man intended to or not he brought praise to God and hope to many in need. It just goes to show that God can use anyone for his purpose and his glory.
Ever have that feeling that you said too much but not quite enough? What I mean is you regret what you said but then again you regret that you didn't get it all out even more.  Even though you wish you never opened your mouth and you could just be quiet the fact is, if you didn't it would eat you up inside until you did let out. Its like a monster feeding on your emotions threatening everything that you do. I am one of those people, who, if anything is bothering them has to analyze and fix it on the spot regardless of what they say. The point is something has to be said. I dont believe in the concept of "space" or time to think. Which in your opinion can be a good or bad thing. 

Monday, August 18, 2008

Today it was pouring outside. Living in Texas this was a welcome change but somehow I feel the outside was reflecting the inside of me . I always think about the clouds and compare myself to them. I usually hold things in until I cant anymore and then I let it all out at once. And since the past couple of weeks we have been under the scorching sun, today's rain was especially heavy and hard. The clouds were getting it all out of their system. It was wet cold and gloomy but somehow I was at peace. It's almost like in the midst of the storm there is calm. I also realize that the numbing effects of business will wear off with idleness. Thats all for today.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

 You know for the most part of my life I would look at people who completely took themselves out of situations without attempting to finish as failures. I would judge them as weak. I mean why wouldn't you try to fix or make the situation better or try to complete what you started. I am huge fan of sinking with the ship. Once your on, you better make plans to stay. 
The past few weeks I found myself in a situation which I don't want to fix. I don't want to work through it. I just want to leave it and walk away without turning back. I know that is only easier for me and not for the situation but still some part of me wants to cut off and have a clean break. This is unusual for me since I believe in sucking all the poison out rather then letting it sit and ignoring it. Yet I was surprised to find that some part of me was completely at peace with this concept. Some part of me doesn't want to focus or fix the matter but rather walk away and cut the losses. 
I find myself keeping extremely busy till I am exhausted by the end of the day that I am numbed and I don't feel the pain of what's going on. Now I know several people have different theories about numbing the pain rather then feeling it and getting it over it. But strangely , even though I know the consequences will be severe I like using business as a morphine pill.
 I can't help but wonder if i am not becoming my own enemy. Am I become one of those people that I judge as weak. Maybe all this time I was living in an idealestic world in which poetic justice existed but now that reality hits I cant take it. I am no better then any one of them. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Most relationships seem so fading.  There isn't anything that binds. I have seen it so many times when best friends become enemies or when love turns to hate. The word relationship encompasses more then just the boyfriend/girlfriend pda. It spans fields such as friendship, classmates, and business. Regardless of the category of the relationships all of them have an expiration date that tells of an unbecoming end. The exception to the rule is family. There is something about the blood bond between family that keeps them together regardless of differences that would tare the closest of friends apart.
Throughout my life I considered myself blessed with my encounters with friends. I never had to look or search for them. They came from all sorts of places and became very near to my heart. The problem with me is that I become overly attached. Now you may ask how this actually presents itself as problem. It usually isn't, that is until the friendship expires. Then what do I do? I end up going through a heart wrenching break in which i am left shattered. Very recently a close friend of mine decided to date a guy that I was very close too. She neglected to ask me if there was anything wrong with the situation or that he even asked her out. Now for the most part she has the right to do whatever she pleases. After all its her life. The problem lies within the fact that she is a friend which gives her added responsibilities. Being a friend means taking on those responsibilities despite your current wave of emotion.
Overall the situation ended pretty badly. Although I was able to look at the transitory state of relationship with a different perspective it honestly leaves a bad taste in my mouth. What is so wrong with forever and commitment. Why is everyone afraid to solve problems and so quick to runaway. I have noticed that the word irreconcilable differences is tossed around with simply no care. What does that mean anyway? What difference could you have (other then the fact that the other wants to kill you) that you couldn't reconcile. Why not peel the expiration date off. Relationships are much like bread, keep refrigerated and it will live much longer then the printed expiration date.

Monday, August 11, 2008

 Thoughts are what make person. In the quite moments in life thoughts are what keep us going. I don't think there has ever been a moment in my life when I was not thinking about one thing or another. There is always something to analyze something to remember something to store. In many instances in my life my thoughts often spoke louder then my words. They have the power to drown out all that is around and me and help me to focus on the inner voice. Its almost as if there are two people, one sees and responds to the experience while the other thinks over and analyzes the experience. There are a million reasons why I smile for no reason. If someone could see my thoughts they would have the power to utterly destroy me. It holds the key to how I run, in fact our thoughts hold the key to how each individual runs. So in my opinion a penny for a thought is a bargain.
Words. Too many times they have been used without proper thought or effort. Words could have immense meaning or none whatsoever. It all depends on the one listening. Philosophers and teachers have wondered and pondered over the meaning behind a single word for centuries. Yet in today's society we tend to cheapen the value. Saying whatever whenever without an ounce of pre-meditated thought. A prime example would be "I love you" three words that are supposed to be extremely meaningful have now been tossed around so that the once priceless phrase has now been tagged $1.98 at Walgreens. Every word that is spoken is important, there is meaning. Think about it next time you hand a rolex over to a two year old.