Sunday, August 17, 2008

Cop Out

 You know for the most part of my life I would look at people who completely took themselves out of situations without attempting to finish as failures. I would judge them as weak. I mean why wouldn't you try to fix or make the situation better or try to complete what you started. I am huge fan of sinking with the ship. Once your on, you better make plans to stay. 
The past few weeks I found myself in a situation which I don't want to fix. I don't want to work through it. I just want to leave it and walk away without turning back. I know that is only easier for me and not for the situation but still some part of me wants to cut off and have a clean break. This is unusual for me since I believe in sucking all the poison out rather then letting it sit and ignoring it. Yet I was surprised to find that some part of me was completely at peace with this concept. Some part of me doesn't want to focus or fix the matter but rather walk away and cut the losses. 
I find myself keeping extremely busy till I am exhausted by the end of the day that I am numbed and I don't feel the pain of what's going on. Now I know several people have different theories about numbing the pain rather then feeling it and getting it over it. But strangely , even though I know the consequences will be severe I like using business as a morphine pill.
 I can't help but wonder if i am not becoming my own enemy. Am I become one of those people that I judge as weak. Maybe all this time I was living in an idealestic world in which poetic justice existed but now that reality hits I cant take it. I am no better then any one of them. 

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