So many of you ...or all 5 of you who have been reading are probably wondering whats up with all the encouraging post. So here is the story (for those who haven't called and found out).
Last monday I took a physiology exam, not different from any of the other physiology test I take every other week. From the start of pharmacy school I have been getting better, I mean it was a struggle. When they tell you that its hard...well IT IS....you really don't have time for yourself. Coming from laid back under grad when I thought my once in a month OCHEM test was over the top....pharmacy school is suicide.
So last monday I was pumped for my physiology test over the kidneys.....I mean who needs their kidneys anyway.. I ALWAYS knew mine hated me due to the mass amount of carbonated beverage in take. Since I have been steadily getting better and my grades were improving, I assumed that I would be acing this test no probs. I get to the exam, and I cant tell the difference between the renal artery and afferent tubule versus efferent tubule versus proximal tubule. BASICALLY I am screwed. I walk out the test feeling completely bummed. I get the grade back and instead of moving upward I am again moving backward. (SEE the thing is as soon as you pick up a stride for yourself and you think you got it....BAM....they are here to teach you that you dont.)
NOT knowing what else to do I start balling.....(dont worry I waited till i got home)...then I called my mom...(PS. not a good Idea). And I am balling to the point of not breathing, and she kept trying to calm me down but it didnt help. She is assuming that I am failing pharmacy school and I don't really correct her, I just keep balling, and she tells me its okay.... ITS NOT OKAY. But somehow I managed to calm down and start the studying for the next exam/ presentation which is due. She kept calling me to make sure I was okay (probably in fear that I was going to commit suicide) I mean I was also mad at God ...where I am pretty sure I told the maker of the universe that he HATED ME....and then decided that he was mean.
The point is God doesnt hate me....I am just blinded by my own insecurites like all the time that I forget that he has always had my back. I think my lack of understanding at what his will is makes me insecure in his abilities to lead me and to have control of my life. Like you think that God can't or won't . SO you try your best to kick butt all on your own. You end up like superman with no superpowers...basically you are bound to fail.
Have you ever thought to yourself I know God can, the question is will he? And what can I do to make him?? DO i pray more, do I cry out. And if God wont then why pray? I mean why pray if in the end no matter if you do or not the result is the same. Answer: Peace. Its going to be okay, the answer to the question isnt will he or wont he its knowing that hes got you regardless of the result. HE's directing the movie and your just watching. Sit back he knows whats going to happen.
Thanks to a close friend I came across a realization. As I told him my sob story, he told me that I need to quit relying on myself. He asked my why I called my mom first rather then balling to my heavenly father....(why did I blame him?) I was the one who wanted to try and do this on my own. Who am I to blame when I ask God to make me dependent on him and to teach me to do this and then get mad at him for letting me fail at being independent? Its like a catch-22. (God probably shrugs). So the past week was a learning experience. It brought me closer to him and taught me to think back to all the things in my life God has done. ANd to keep on keeping on.
As for my mom..... she is a worry wort...I specifically told her not to tell anyone, next thing i know my grandparents are subtly encouraging me (to which I make a face). Then slowly day by day the church my members are calling and praying. Basically the entire church was down on their knees for my one exam. Which is very humbling. Although at first I was a little upset at my mom, its amazing to see the love that your family and church family have for you. THANKS GUYS. I love you. She started crying when I told her that I wasnt failing pharmacy school...haha but thanks to every single prayer I did well on my test.
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