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Dear Reader

Is it bad that I came back to___________. And have fallen madly and deeply in love all over again and never want to leave. I mean yes I am now a resident of _______. But its almost like coming to new york city when I return home. I feel the HOLIDAYS. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Barnes and Nobel and CARAMEL FRAPS, and chats with my honorary sister. Okay so last week was crazy-cRAZY. I mean three test, a presentation, and a project crazy. To make matters worse they thought that since we would be bored at the end of the week they tagged on some stupid three page evaluation (insert face to pharmacy school). This week is relatively calm (all though it shoudnt be) Its the false calm before the huge storm about to hit next week. I am currently working on my portfolio (or I SHOULD BE) but all i can think about is the christmas music that is playing and the chilly weather and the myriads of book surrounding me. For now i am content.

Where'd All the Good People Go?

When I was younger there were times when I really wanted the power rangers to lose, or Yugio to not win a duel for once. Although, I like many of you am a big supporter of Poetic Justice (The good guy wins and justice is restored), I have come to realize that its not all black and white there are some major shades of grey. See the concept of poetic justice is just nice, you always want the good guy to win and evil to be defeated and get what's coming to them. Unfortunately in the real world it is difficult to distinguish between the good guy and the bad guy. How can you deem what is good and bad? From my point of view, I am always the good guy, but what about from the other guys point of view. Ever felt like wolf? or how about the step sister or stepmother? I mean all our lives we have decided that the evil stepmother was the bad guy or the wolf was just evil but what if we saw it from their eyes. History is more of the same, It is simply the story of the winner. We are so sure that the south was the bad guy in the civil war because the north won but what was the real story down south? Lets not forget how britain must have felt during the revolution, yet the we were most def. the good guy because we won and thats what history taught us, right? The thing is life doesn't quite work like this, every person in their own right claims that they are the good guy, no one wakes up and thinks I am the bad guy. So if everyone's good who is bad? And who deserves the punishment that comes from poetic justice or my favorite quote "why do bad things happen to good people". Who deemed these people good? Themselves?? So basically this quote is saying that bad things should happen to bad people but then who are the bad people. The point is man is in no way good. We are inherently all bad, we are not better then the next guy, we are selfish, seeking out only for ourselves and our good. It is only by the grace of God that we are able to develop the fruit of the spirit which makes us better but still not GOOD. Good is a term that I would

Melt Downs and More

So many of you ...or all 5 of you who have been reading are probably wondering whats up with all the encouraging post. So here is the story (for those who haven't called and found out).

Last monday I took a physiology exam, not different from any of the other physiology test I take every other week. From the start of pharmacy school I have been getting better, I mean it was a struggle. When they tell you that its hard...well IT IS....you really don't have time for yourself. Coming from laid back under grad when I thought my once in a month OCHEM test was over the top....pharmacy school is suicide.

So last monday I was pumped for my physiology test over the kidneys.....I mean who needs their kidneys anyway.. I ALWAYS knew mine hated me due to the mass amount of carbonated beverage in take. Since I have been steadily getting better and my grades were improving, I assumed that I would be acing this test no probs. I get to the exam, and I cant tell the difference between the renal artery and afferent tubule versus efferent tubule versus proximal tubule. BASICALLY I am screwed. I walk out the test feeling completely bummed. I get the grade back and instead of moving upward I am again moving backward. (SEE the thing is as soon as you pick up a stride for yourself and you think you got it....BAM....they are here to teach you that you dont.)

NOT knowing what else to do I start balling.....(dont worry I waited till i got home)...then I called my mom...(PS. not a good Idea). And I am balling to the point of not breathing, and she kept trying to calm me down but it didnt help. She is assuming that I am failing pharmacy school and I don't really correct her, I just keep balling, and she tells me its okay.... ITS NOT OKAY. But somehow I managed to calm down and start the studying for the next exam/ presentation which is due. She kept calling me to make sure I was okay (probably in fear that I was going to commit suicide) I mean I was also mad at God ...where I am pretty sure I told the maker of the universe that he HATED ME....and then decided that he was mean.

The point is God doesnt hate me....I am just blinded by my own insecurites like all the time that I forget that he has always had my back. I think my lack of understanding at what his will is makes me insecure in his abilities to lead me and to have control of my life. Like you think that God can't or won't . SO you try your best to kick butt all on your own. You end up like superman with no superpowers...basically you are bound to fail.

Have you ever thought to yourself I know God can, the question is will he? And what can I do to make him?? DO i pray more, do I cry out. And if God wont then why pray? I mean why pray if in the end no matter if you do or not the result is the same. Answer: Peace. Its going to be okay, the answer to the question isnt will he or wont he its knowing that hes got you regardless of the result. HE's directing the movie and your just watching. Sit back he knows whats going to happen.

Thanks to a close friend I came across a realization. As I told him my sob story, he told me that I need to quit relying on myself. He asked my why I called my mom first rather then balling to my heavenly father....(why did I blame him?) I was the one who wanted to try and do this on my own. Who am I to blame when I ask God to make me dependent on him and to teach me to do this and then get mad at him for letting me fail at being independent? Its like a catch-22. (God probably shrugs). So the past week was a learning experience. It brought me closer to him and taught me to think back to all the things in my life God has done. ANd to keep on keeping on.

As for my mom..... she is a worry wort...I specifically told her not to tell anyone, next thing i know my grandparents are subtly encouraging me (to which I make a face). Then slowly day by day the church my members are calling and praying. Basically the entire church was down on their knees for my one exam. Which is very humbling. Although at first I was a little upset at my mom, its amazing to see the love that your family and church family have for you. THANKS GUYS. I love you. She started crying when I told her that I wasnt failing pharmacy school...haha but thanks to every single prayer I did well on my test.

Psalm 55:22

"Give your worries to the lord, and he will take care of you. He will never let good people down"

Pure Hearts

Psalm 51

"God be merciful to me because your unfailing love, because you are always ready to be merciful"-verse 1

"Give me back the joy of your salvation. keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit"-verse 12

Sometimes I feel like David. I feel like David's Psalms could be his blog entries. They sound a lot like my prayers. Its funny because you would think that David, being the chaser of God's own heart was always speaking words of praise and encouragement, and that he always knew what he was doing and where he was going. The truth is David was just as lost as any of us. I cant count the number of times I have called out to God and cried "where are you and what are you doing??"  The thing I love the most about Psalms is that the verses start of like this, with David yelling at God or being upset at God because he thinks God has stopped caring but it always ends with David having a resolution or understanding of God's unfailing and unchanging love. The next time your soul is downcast and you find yourself yelling at God, just remember David and wait for the end of your psalm.

Words of Encouragement

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT because in Phillipians 4:13 says:
I (YOU) CAN DO EVERYTHING THROUGH HIM WHO GIVES ME STRENTH."

-(__________)

You gotta love family: when you're down, they pray with you and send you facebook messages in the morning with versus. This particular one is from my cousin, who is younger then me by the way. All my life I have given her advice, but its nice to know that in my time of need she was the older one taking care of me.

P.S. I stayed up until about two cleaning my overly messy room. Believe me it was a mess!